the mar farr

The one about juggling

2012-01-23T10:35:00.001-08:00

Sick.

So sick of being sick.

I have had the flu 3 times this year. Averaging once a week so far in 2012. Awesome :P So far Kev's had it once, Halle and Drew each twice, and Dawson once. He is on my arm right now, still whimpering and moaning in his sleep. Poor little guy.

Anyway, between all that and cleaning up carpets and recleaning towells and bedding, I feel like I haven't done much else for a while.

Today I have that after-flu-belly-ache and general crummy achy shakiness. Trying to not over do it, I am laying here blogging. Trying to ignore the things I feel I should be getting done.

Anyway.

I have decided to start another blog. I want this blog to be our "regular" blog, full of family memories etc. The other blog will be for epilepsy; updates on the kids, a collection of inspiration I have found to keep me going, some memories of what we've been through already, but mainly just to vent. Sooo many times over the last few years when things have been particularly difficult, I have felt the need to write. It is so therapeutic. I sorta wish I would've kept it together in a blog years ago.

I feel like I need -for me- to keep the two blogs separate. I want to look back someday, read this blog and know that 1) we kept going even when it was tough. We still celebrated, spent time together and didn't focus or dramatize the hard stuff.

At the same time I need to know that 2) I wasn't afraid to talk about the hard stuff. I was real. We went through some really hard things. We faced them and came out stronger.

To be honest, it's the main reason I haven't been blogging. (being too busy is only half the story) I didn't want the focus of "themarfarr" to be epilepsy. But that HAS BEEN SO MUCH of my life.. How do I leave it out?

Finding the balance between these two things- Being upbeat and positive AND being real- has been quite the juggle this last year. I believe BOTH of them are crucial, and equal in importance. I don't know how well I always do with either but I sure as heck try my best.

Anyway right now I am heading over there. It'll prob take a while to end up looking how I'd like it but if you feel like checking it out, head over to

www.weloveitanyway.blogspot.com

See ya ... here or there :)

The one to try out the new app

2012-01-14T12:47:00.001-08:00

Hey

So this is my very first attempt at blogging from my iPad. I am trying out the app BEwrite. We'll see how it goes. Maybe I will actually blog again if I don't have to turn the computer on. You see since I got this thing, I have turned on the computer, oh twice. Seriously. I just don't have patience for it anymore.

I love my iPad. :)

I didn't plan on loving it. Before I had it I never even had a desire to own one. But then this

really hot guy

gave me one for our 9th wedding anniversary. His work gave out brand new iPad 2's to all their employee's for winning the world’s top manufacturing award, The Shingo Prize. Ya, it was a big deal. I couldn't tell you anything more than that cuz when it comes to Kev's work I feel c.L.oooo.less. Anyway, all Kev's coworkers got to show off these fancy iPad's ... but of course my Kev gave his to silly little me. I tried to talk him out of it, truly. I know he wanted it. He just went off about how much I "deserved" it etc and that was that. Ya, that's my hubs. He's hot like that.

This thing is the ultimate. The things it has simplified in my life... But THAT will have to be saved for another blog post. Because right now I just want to PLAY!!

Upload photo? Yes, please.

he loves me :)

7/6/2011

Ok, now to publish this....

Did that work??? Heading over to Safari.... Was it really that easy? Is it online????

IT IS!!! I love you, iPad 2!!!!

Goodbye computer. Hello blog.

The one about EPGP

2011-04-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

I love these photos of my boys cruisin' around the house in their new car. :) The last one is extra special to me. I was shooting the pictures and realized Dawson was having a little seizure. Knowing he was in a safe place, I watched as his big brother put his arm around him, pulled him close for support, saying "It's ok. I gotcha Daws. I'm here." So glad I have that picture. So glad they have each other.

EPGP is short for "Epilepsy Phenome Genome Project." It is the largest ever research project done for epilepsy that is going on RIGHT NOW. We are so excited it is being done and that we can be a part of it!!!

http://www.epgp.org/PressReleases/Documents/EpilepsyAdvocateArticleWinter2010.pdf

They are studying the genes and symptoms of siblings that have Idiopathic Epilepsy- or seizures without a cause. There aren't any immediate results for us, but long term this has awesome potential for anyone with epilepsy and their families.

We've done the paperwork to release our hospital records/MRI's and EEG, the kids have to have some blood drawn, and now I'm getting through the phone interview portion of it. It's supposed to take aprox 2-4 hours, but I've got 3 kids . . . so it's kinda long. Yesterday morning I was on the phone for a couple hours, mostly talking about the specific symptoms of Halle's seizures. I wasn't prepared for the sudden emotion that kicked me in the gut. Maybe I should have expected it but I felt totally drained and depressed the rest of the day. However, I am not complaining. I just am SO GRATEFUL they are actively working on figuring things out.

While I'm on the topic, here's some updates for all you sweet friends who've asked how the kids are doing:

DAWSON still has 5-10 seizures every day. They are short, only 10-30 seconds, and the head dropping is a lot better (mostly). This is a HUGE Deal for us. With him crawling around, up/down stairs, etc it's so nice that I don't hear that familiar *crack* of his head whacking the floor, table, or whatever. It also has been great for him to be able to sleep in his own bed (mostly) since I know he won't get hurt on the crib's railing. We both are getting a lot better sleep which makes a huge difference in every other part of our lives.

For a couple weeks the head drop was totally gone, but the last maybe 2 weeks it has been coming back. It is slowly getting worse but as of right now it's more like smalls nods as opposed to complete loss of muscle control.

So far he has not done well on the medication. 3 times we have started it and he's got a high fever within 24 hours. For now, where the seizures are so mild, Kevin and I feel more comfortable with the seizures than adding medication to the situation. These meds are not for under age 2 anyway, since they have no idea how it could affect the quickly developing brain of an infant. This makes us extremely uneasy. So if they start getting more severe we'll have to decide where to go from there, but that's where we are now.

DREW still hasn't had a for-sure seizure since we got it under control. I can't tell you how nice it is to not be c.o.n.s.t.a.n.t.l.y. scared of what he's going to fall off of and where he is. Of course, especially when he laughs, I have that habit-like-reminder and fear that it's back- but so far (except for twice) they've all been him just laughing. (About a month ago, it happened twice where both Halle and I weren't sure. Out of the blue he burst out laughing about nothing for 3o seconds or so. Afterward he said nothing was funny and didn't want to talk about it. No other symptoms. Made me nervous for a few days but nothing else happened)

Also he has had a tic-like-jerk thing going on for about 3-4 weeks now which has me on edge a little. Sometimes during the day it's pretty obvious, other times it's gone. We don't know if this is related to the epilepsy or what. I know sometimes at this age it can be a normal thing. It is frustrating, the not knowing. I hate being paranoid, but I don't know how not to be anymore.

HALLE is still seizure free since our ward fast in 2007. She does have tics which come and go but we try to down play them as much as possible. I've noticed that when it's pointed out to her, she gets worried and then it gets severe and takes longer for it to go away. Sounds like an easy solution but sometimes it's REALLY hard to not let it get to me. A *sniff-grunt* tic for example, came back in December. It really grated on my nerves- especially with the boys' seizures going on around the clock- to have her repetitively make a similar type of sound that she'd made in her seizures- it was just extremely hard. It played on my fears over and over and over all day, every couple seconds. . . sometimes I just had to shut myself in my room for a minute to just breathe. Lame. She's doing well now though and I'm grateful. I wish I knew how to handle it better when it comes. bleh.

She hasn't had a migraine for probably two months now. (yay) She does get headaches if she's stressed or doesn't get enough sleep. We stick pretty tight to her bedtime, and giving her ibuprofen at the start of the headache has been effective in keeping them under control. Just like in Drew's situation, it's frustrating to know that it CAN be related to epilepsy but it might not be too. Feeling dumb for being so paranoid.

--------------------------------

Anyway, that's kind of a summary of all the negative stuff. I have to add that OVERALL we are VERY HAPPY with how well they are doing. We are very, very grateful. It's such a good feeling to be back to the everyday stuff. I do not take any "normal" day for granted. I've learned a LOT about priorities- things that matter, things that don't. Just like any trial, I wouldn't CHOOSE it, but I'm glad for the lessons learned. I'm so glad that Kev is so supportive and by my side- even when he's rarely home. I couldn't have survived the last 5 months without him. I have to say, we make a pretty good team.

And REALLY great kids. :)

The one with an itch

2011-04-04T18:51:00.000-07:00

Our internet has been up again, down again, up, down. . . ever since we moved to Provo. I can not tell you how annoying it has been. So *CROSS FINGERS* I think we are UP with another new provider which (hopefully) should last this time.

I've really got the itch to catch up on this blog. Hopefully I can find the time this week. Sounds so fun. Lots has been going on around here.

Like this:

Look who turned. . .

I have so many more pics and things to upload. At the moment though I've gotta put kids and the house to bed. Be back soon.

The one who enjoys doing laundry! (really!!)

2011-02-22T22:59:00.000-08:00

Survival mode.

We moved. Then I got pregnant. Lost a baby. Prego again. Sick, sick, sick. Newborn. Baby blues. Hubby gone. Seizures. Christmas. Depression. Etc.

I feel like I've only been barely surviving for a while now. Barely keeping up with the routine and letting so much else slide. My house has turned upside down. Cupboards, drawers, & house overflowing with things I needed to clean and catch up on. Feeling like I will never catch up or find myself again. Bleh.

I think some of the worst of the overwhelming stress comes from LAUNDRY! I had no idea when I agreed to becoming a wife and mother of the never-ending-fight that is keeping my family clothed. I have been swimming (drowning) in loads for years now. Every week starting laundry day by re-washing the last load from the week before that never made it out of the wash. Eeek. Going through piles of used-to-be-folded clothes all over the house sorting the clean from dirty and would have been clean but now they're with dirty. Rewashing. Refolding. Kids unfolding, leaving more piles all over the house, piles to DI, piles of mending, ironing, . . . to the point that I start feeling like giving up on it all. Like my whole existence is soo meaningless. Silly, yes. But true.

About a month ago I was probably on the brink of a nervous break down. Exhausted and depressed, I fell asleep in the middle of the day. A very rare but needed nap. In my sleep I thought of a new method to my laundry routine. I woke up with the ideas in my head & tons of energy. I ran to the store, bought a couple things, came home with enough time to start my new plan before getting Halle from school.

I didn't expect it to change so easily or so well but my new dreamt up Laundry Makeover works!!! With very little effort I have successfully kept up on laundry for a solid month. "Kept up" is the wrong wording. I feel like I'm not even doing it anymore! It's so simple! What was I thinking, why did it take me so long to realize that the way I was doing things was simply not working?

It is silly maybe how big of a difference it has made. I feel like this huge never ending stress in my life is gone. I am even enjoying it!

I told this to my sister who replied, "Who are you and what have you done with my sister?"

The only reason I blog about such a silly thing is to remind my future self when reading this: When things are not working, stop it! Revamp! You don't have to do things the way you see other people do it or the way you've always done it. What works for others or what used to work for you, doesn't matter if it isn't working for YOU. Take control and fix it! Find a better way.

Not just with laundry. But all of it.

Having such a huge burden gone has effected everything. I am back to making my meals in the morning. My dishes routine is working again. I have had the extra time to put most my cupboards etc in order again. It's like there's a light at the end of the tunnel...with projects I have been craving to do for so long. Stuff I enjoy. The last week or two I have started to feel that old me again. That girl that used to enjoy LOTS of things. Feels so good.

So things are going much better. Crazily enough, thanks to the laundry. Who would have guessed? And to whichever angel up there took the time to whisper some tips in my ear, thanks. Keep me going, k?

My newest problem to fix? How about how I turn in to the betime-nazi-mother-from-Hades every night about 8:30?

I-already-told-you-a-gazillion-times-brush-your-teeth-stop-spitting-on-your-sister-i-don't-want-to-hear-any-more-tattle-telling-why-aren't-your-pajamas-on-STOP-climbing-on-my-head-I-can't-hear-you-when-you-talk-like-a-baby-thank-you-so-much-for-spitting-up-on-me-again-what-in-the-world-were-you-thinking-I-don't-care-what-just-spilled-and-broke-get-in-bed-before-I-loose-my-mind-what are-you-doing-out-of-bed-again-tHiS-DaY-iS-sO-oVeR!!!!!

This is why Dad's are supposed to come home at the end of the day so the mom isn't alone to become a monster.

I'm working on it, ok?

*sigh*

The one for Brandon & Nicole

2011-01-31T20:49:00.000-08:00

I took some pics of Nicole's beautiful baby,

Naomi

(aka Dawson's future girlfriend) Lol.

Mmmm, is she sweet or what?!?

There's just something about baby feet

Love this one

Sooo sweet!

Can't get over how much she looks like her daddy in this picture.

WOWZERS!

"N" for Naomi

The one foggy morning

2011-01-28T14:56:00.000-08:00

This morning was foggy and oh-so-beautiful. Still in my PJ's, I threw some clothes on Drew and drug him out into the cold for a couple quick photos. Good thing he was a good sport about it.

What a handsome guy.

All these pics look almost the same, I know. It's just that I can't decide which is my fave.

The one with a minute for therapy

2011-01-25T23:54:00.000-08:00

Halle in 2007

It started four years ago today.

Memories find there way to the surface this time each year and with everything going on lately, this year is no exception.

January 25, 2007

I had picked Halle up from her dance class but didn't go home because I didn't want to be alone. Kevin was working so late every night so he was often sleeping at his parents' house in Springville. So instead of driving home to Eagle Mountain, I went to the Farr's to hang out for a while.

It was around 8 PM. I was typing a letter to my nephew Christopher who was getting baptized. Halle, 3 years old, was playing in the kitchen, a few feet away but where I couldn't see her. I heard her make a subtle noise; something between a sniff and a grunt.

Halle is having a seizure.

The impression came out of no where. I had never been around seizures and so I had no reason to associate that sound on my own. Nevertheless and as crazy as this sounds, I somehow knew immediately what was going on. Instinctively I ran to her. My mother in law, Tamara, was in the kitchen with her.

"Halle is having a seizure," she said confirming what I already knew.

I watched in disbelief. Her head to one side, crazy eyes, groaning, awkwardly walking in disoriented circles. I grabbed her to me.

"Halle! Halle honey, can you see me? Hall, look at me baby. Can you you hear me. . ."

"She can't hear you, Mari."

It was awful. I was right there, but I was still on the outside and I couldn't take it away from her.

I immediately called the Instacare. Then I called Kevin. He'd grown up seeing these with his sister and so it hit him even harder than I had anticipated. While talking to him, Kevin's sister called up the stairs to me, "She is having another one!"

Kevin was there within a few minutes and we drove together to the ER.

You know how sometimes you are sick and by the time you get to the doctor you start to feel better and so you end up feeling like an idiot? Well, that is what I expected to happen. I figured we'd get to the ER, they wouldn't see a thing, we'd get back home and forever think, "Well that was a really weird scare." So it was really unreal when we got there and the seizures kept right on coming. And coming. And coming.

That first night was very traumatic for us. I was the type of mom at the time who could barely get through an immunization shot without crying. So when they started that first IV and she screamed and screamed I had to leave while Kevin held her down. I could still hear it down the hall. It was awful.

They took her to a room with a long table to sedate her for an MRI to check for tumors and abnormalities in her brain. She would have to hold absolutely still to perform the test. However she wouldn't fall asleep. She would start to relax and then a seizure would wake her up, she'd frantically look around for me, trying wildly to get off the table.

They ended up having to strap her down; her arms, legs, chest, forehead and chin and then gave her another dose of sedative. Halle however is a fighter and very cluster phobic. She was panicking so hard they again gave her more. Still trying to communicate, her words were slow and slurred..."Mooommmmm!! Mommmmmmm, Mommmmmeeeeeeeeeee!" Her eyes were still trying to find me and tears running down her cheeks. I'll never forget that hour and a half we got her sedated. A sweet nurse sang Primary songs with me in her ear, trying to get her to relax. I remember crying when I realized she was still in her leotard and ballet shoes from dance class.

She was just barely fine! She's always been healthy! I just need to get her home so I can tuck her in her bed where she belongs.

The nurse and techs discussed which drugs would be ok to combine for her age etc. They explained they usually didn't combine this and that but they were pretty confident it would be fine. I remember so well the feelings watching them inject more and more into her IV. "ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!?!" I heavily felt the responsibility for my little girl. Waiting to wake up from the nightmare.

Luckily, I'll toughened up a LOT now, but that first night was unforgettable. It was 4 years RIGHT NOW and the feelings still sting.

Here's 2 links to older posts I wrote about it:

OUR MIRACLE

HALLE

Easter Day Miracle 2007

Life can sure take you for a ride, can't it? Sheesh. People have said things like, "At least you've been through this before and so now you know what you're doing with your boys." There is a little truth in that but overall it does NOT feel that way. With Drew it is devastating because it's my DREW. Dawson is devastating because it's my DAWSON. It's all the same thing but completely different. With Halle it took her personality away. Drew is older, is aware and somewhat understands which has pros, and also plenty of cons. Dawson is tiny and so trusting it breaks my heart every time. All 3 situations, all 3 kids, it's altogether and individually just plain hard.

I know it's not great to always dwell on these memories but tonight writing this feels so therapeutic. I'm so grateful and blessed that Halle and Drew are doing so well right now. Dawson will get there too. I know we have so many blessings.

However, I won't lie and say it's not hard every single day. For some reason, even though things are so much better for the time being, this after depression stuff has been overwhelming. It probably has something to do with facing the reality without the adrenaline and protection that "survival mode" brings. Epilepsy sucks because it's not something that often "goes away" and EVEN IF/WHEN IT DOES you still live with "When is it coming back?" Will I be there to take care of them? Would it take Halle's sweet personality again? Will it show up when they are older and driving? Could it hold them back from living their own dreams? The seizures themselves don't scare me as much anymore, it's the long-term-scary thoughts that I have to accept not having answers to.

I know this is looking WAY TOO ahead of things and so I KNOW I need to just have FAITH, REMEMBER this life is only part of the big picture, take ONE day at a time. . . blah blah yadda yadda. Trust me, if I didn't already know this I wouldn't be able to function at all. However, right NOW, I am letting myself just remember, talk and feel, and that's ok. I'll get past this moment and be just fine. I just need a minute so I can get there.

The one that's Awesomeness

2011-01-20T22:12:00.000-08:00

DREW HAS NOT HAD A

SEIZURE SINCE JANUARY 15th!!!!!!

Isn't that so awesome!!!

We tripled his medication that weekend before. It took several days but we started to see a difference on Sunday, slowed down throughout the week and stopped Friday. He had the worst seizure he'd had BY FAR the day before. Triple intensity and length which was awful, awful... but here we are now. So exciting.

I'm sorry to everyone that I haven't told personally. We haven't told hardly anyone. We haven't wanted to "speak too soon" and have to start all over. I still feel that way, but it's been over a week. That's gotta be really really good, right??

We don't know if we're out of the woods and chances are they'll come back sometime. My stomach turns every time he laughs, or twitches an eye. It's not that I am trying to be pessimistic, just realistic. I'm trying to not have paranoia as he walks himself to friend's houses again, climbs and jumps off everything...

The medicine is making him sick every morning and almost every night. Hoping this goes away with time. Counting blessings.

Dawson is still the same as before. One thing at a time. We'll get there too.

Thank you so much for all the prayers!!

The one because I feel like just sitting here

2011-01-18T20:19:00.000-08:00

Ahhhhhhhhh it is sooo nice to sit down. What a long day.

I had a recital for my students tonight. It went pretty well. I have 23 students. 21 of them played tonight and 12 of those had never played in a recital. It was scary for a bunch of them but THEY ALL DID IT!! Wahoo!! Sure, several of them goofed in spots that they'd played flawlessly 100 times before but that's what these things are for.

I remember when I was younger how terrifying it was to play in front of people... my hands would shake, my mind would go blank, ... it was the worst. Now I've done it so much it doesn't faze me.

So I do these group lessons and recitals to give the kids the experience playing for people. It gets easier with each performance, so although they might hate me now for making them do it, it'll pay off.

I
AM

PROUD

EACH

ONE

THEM!!!

I really mean that. I love this job.

21 of my awesome students. Brinley, Jacob, Nick, Ben, Alex, Emma, Brigham, Dallin, Haylee, Halle, Ashton, Savanna, Cassidy, Sarah, Chrstopher, Maryn, Amy, Rae, West, Isaac, Addi. Not pictured Drew & Kailey

The one sleepy mom

2011-01-11T23:01:00.000-08:00

I've spent a LOT of hours between 11PM-7AM calming, rocking, soothing my baby over the last 2 months or so. Most days I have to just try to ignore that heavy-can't-keep-my-heavy-head-up feeling.

I'm not complaining though. Being loved by a child is one of the best, sweetest feelings ever. In those late hours, I can feel and know he loves me :) and wants me around. His seizures wake him and before he even opens his eyes, he reaches out to make sure I'm near. If I am, he'll usually stay calm enough to get right back to sleep. So while it lasts anyway, I'll take the tired.

I am so blessed to be this little dude's mom.

The one with updates

2011-01-06T22:26:00.000-08:00

Love the Drew Man

First of all, thanks to everyone for all the kind comments, emails, notes on facebook, dinners, phone calls, texts, prayers, thoughts.... they all go a long way. We are so blessed to have so many sweet friends.

Here's an update.

Dawson has stayed about the same. He still has 5-10 seizures a day. Sometimes if I'm not paying attention I forget he's even having them. They are quiet and unless I'm really looking, I'll miss them. Often I'll just look over and see his sweet little head dropping in the after-seizure-stuff. :( It's still sad to see but he is still just as sweet as ever, and a really good sport about the whole thing.

Drew hasn't been doing as good. Seizures are getting stronger, longer, more in a row, and closer together. They used to look almost exactly like he was laughing. Now he moans, tenses up, rocks back and forth, strains, drools, & then it's followed by more the Gelastic/ "laughing" seizures... etc. They come in "clusters" or several seizures (usally around 5) in a row. He will have 1-4 CLUSTERS within a few minutes of each other about every 1 1/2 hours. Most of the time I can pretty well guess when he is going to have one, they are really regular lately. I am keeping track of them in a little journal for the doctor. Just to give an example, I'll copy what I wrote yesterday:

WEDNESDAY, JAN. 5, 2011-
- seizures continued throughout the night. Didn't record the times -
7:15 AM - 3 clusters. About 5 seizures per cluster+ Aftershocks.
8:45 AM - 3 clusters. about the same.
9:30 AM - 3 clusters. same.
11:00 AM - 2 clusters. same.
12:20 PM - 3 clusters. same.
1:50 PM - same. Fell out of chair. Shaking more intense than usual. Legs stiff. Toes outstretched.
3:10 PM - same.
4:40 PM - same.
5:45 PM - One, long seizure. Backed into the wall and got "stuck" there, shaking.
6:50 PM - 2 clusters. Fell asleep immediately after. Pale, bright red ears.
7:25 PM - was asleep but seizures woke him up. 4 hard clusters. Upset that Halle's ballet class saw. Red patches are still appearing around his neck and shoulders, which dissappear within 1/2 hour or so.
- stopped recording for the day -

Anywho. I talked with the Doctor this morning. We are going to be tripling his medicine within the next couple of days. Hopefully we see some kind of change soon.

Tonight I am cleaning out my SD cards. Here's some photos/videos. I don't know why I feel hesitant to put them on a blog... I might even change my mind and take them back off. It gives me a stomach ache to have these videos. I dunno. I occassionaly record them for the doctor and for the record...but even when I'm recording it still feels wrong. I mean, these are my sweet babies and part of me wants to keep this totally private for them. Another part of me wants to share whats going on with my close friends & family who are far away.

So for the moment anyway, I'll share a little bit. We'll see if I take it down in the morning. lol.

Here is the end of one of Dawson's seizures. You'll see they are MUCH milder than Drew's. Notice the head-dropping afterward. See why he gets hurt sitting at the kitchen table? Or crawling around on the wood floor?

Here's another end of a seizure. The mild shaking doesn't show up on camera, but if you held him, you'd feel trembling. If you listen close, you'll hear quiet grunting.

More after-seizure-head drops

Here's the last part of one "cluster" of Drew's seizures. He gets SOO mad at me that I don't let him walk by himself to his friends houses anymore. Check out this video and then can you blame me!? Also, notice the after-seizure-sparks at the very end. It looks like he's just hyper, but if you are close enough to his eyes, you'd see that they slightly roll, right as he hops & laughs. "Aftershocks."

See how the first seizures doesn't look as much like a "laughing seizure," but then the ones at the end of the clusters do?

I know it looks like he's laughing about something. But really, he isn't. They do not make him feel happy. He will tell you - he remembers the whole thing.

Check out the knocking over of my Christmas puzzle. Dang it!!! Does it say how big of a nerd I am that I was excited to fix it?!? Haha.

Here's a few pictures from the other cameras from PCMC:

Primary Children's Hospital

Drew's EEG . . .

. . . and in the next room Dawson's EEG

NOT happy about the IV. . .

but we made it. Brave dude!

Dawson's MRI followed by. . .

Drew's MRI

In recovery with both . . .

my beautiful boys

Best Friends/Brothers

Another thing we've had going on lately is Halle's Migraines. They got bad enough over the Christmas break that we took her to the doctor. They found a "flutter" in her left eye (I don't really understand what that means). That's where here headaches have been too. So they did an MRI. . . which showed inflammed sinus's, but that's all. Migraines can be connected with epilepsy so of course it makes Kev & I have to just. keep. breathing.

She was really nervous to go but we got through it.

Afterward we got haircuts together (hair ties and things have been making the headaches worse). Anyway, she was super loopy and tired in the chair but we ended up looking pretty cute :)

We are doing pretty good considering it all. Still trying to keep everything as normal as possible. Halle does much better when she has LOTS of sleep and no extra stress. So that's what we're working on.

It was an awesome Christmas break. LOVED having Kevin home!!! I'll blog about it later. But there's the updates for now anyway.

The one about hard things

2010-12-17T23:51:00.000-08:00

On Thursday November 11, I looked over at Dawson and saw him making a very strange face. His eyes were crazy, he was stiffly holding out one arm and he was shaking. My insides twisted.

No, no, no, I though, Not you. No.

Halle had so many thousands of seizures back in 2007, so I KNEW what I was seeing but I did not want to believe it. I tried replaying it in my mind, talking myself out of it . . . He was just doing one of those silly things babies do, I am paranoid because of Halle's seizures, I must be seeing things . . . But deep down I KNEW what I had seen.

I told Kevin via text while trying to not jump to conclusions and fall apart. Suddenly, I felt like I HAD to get out of the house ASAP to fight the panic. I loaded the kids in the car and took Kevin dinner at work. I kept asking him, "Do you think I'm crazy???" I wanted him to tell me I wasn't and yet I wanted him to tell me I was.

The next couple of days went by and I saw several other episodes. I kept pushing the thoughts away. No that wasn't a seizure. He's just going to the bathroom . . . He's just twitching how all babies do in their sleep . . . but with each episode it became more and more obvious. I knew I was getting closer to having to face it. On Thursday, a week after the first episode, I made an appointment with the doctor.

Saturday, when Kevin was home, he saw an episode for the first time. I didn't want to ask but I did, "So . . . do you think that was a seizure???" When Kev said "Yes," I fell apart inside.

It was real.

Not my baby. Not Dawson.

Monday came and I took him to the doctor. It was like stepping into a nightmare.. I was trying sooo hard not to let the old emotions from 2007 tangle up the present but it was hard. I felt ok until Dr. Mower said, "We'll get him on Fast Track up at Primary Children's Hospital . . ." Even the thought of taking my sweet, beautiful baby to that place- the place where we tortured my other baby, where I felt like I was in mourning for my daughter who was right in front of me- was just too much.

Not just the fears of the seizures themselves, but everything that comes with seizure disorders. Socially, emotionally, mentally, behaviourally, the medications with their crappy side effects . . .

I took Dawson into the lab for the blood work. Holding him down as he screamed, remembering the days of holding a screaming Halle down for the very same reason . . . the ache was intense. The nurse was so sweet and meaning to comfort said, "You can do this." I wanted to yell, "NO! I CAN'T! I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE AND I TELL YOU, I CAN NOT TAKE IT!!!"

Dr. Mower and I talked a lot about Halle's past. He said, "Tell me about your other son, Drew. Has he ever had any signs of seizures?"

"No. We've never seen anything with him," I said.

The next day. Tuesday, November 23:

I was trying my best to pack for our Thanksgiving trip to Vegas but I had the flu and wasn't getting much done. I finally gave up and went to bed. Unable to lie still while there was SO much I needed to get done, I got my video camera out and let Dawson crawl around me so I could catch seizures on video for the doctor. Sure enough, he had a few episodes. As I turned off the camera, Drew (who had fallen asleep next to me) "woke" up, his wrists bent, arms went stiff, his eyes glazed and he laughed/grumbled for maybe 30 seconds. I watched him in disbelief.

"Drew? Drew . . . are you awake? Drew can you see me?"

After several seconds, his eyes came into focus, he smiled at me and then immediately went back to sleep. As I lay there confused, he did the same thing. I decided I would video it if he did that again. Sure enough, he did and I recorded it on camera.

OK, now I KNOW I am losing my mind.

I called Kevin and told him I was crazy, because I thought I just saw Drew have a seizure!?! What are the odds that while video taping one child having seizures, you'd capture another having his first? It was too bizarre.

The next day was a crazy one; Kevin had a dental emergency, almost broke his thumb, I was still sick from the night before, there was supposed to be an awful storm & record bad Thanksgiving day traffic . . . but we got on the road and arrived in Vegas around 2 AM.

Over the next several days on the trip, I continued to watch Dawson's seizures - maybe 5 or so a day, and MANY, MANY more at night- and kept a very close eye on Drew. Each night as Drew fell asleep he repeated what he'd done on Tuesday night. Kev and I didn't really know what to think. They definitely LOOKED like seizures, (especially because each time his left eye would twitch) but it was just too strange. We were still in shock about Dawson . . . how could this be happening?

Saturday night I sat on the couch chatting with my cousin Haley (who's house we stayed at on our trip) and holding my two boys. Dawson would have a seizure, then Drew, then Dawson, Drew . . .

Kevin was studying in another part of the house. When he came out, I asked him to stay and watch the boys with me, to see what he thought.

He said, "Honey, I didn't want to tell you this but I saw Drew have a seizure while he was awake today."

All Drew's episodes had been while he was asleep so far.

"Are you sure???"

I felt sick. Kevin said that while we were in the gym, Drew was playing with him. Suddenly he stopped running, looked right toward Kevin without REALLY looking at him and laughed the same hollow laugh the he did in the sleeping episodes.

We went to bed and I kept my boys with me. Drew in one arm. Dawson in the other. I stayed awake all night counting seizures, unsure of what kind of strange unreality I was in. I knew I would have to fall asleep or Kevin would have to drive as I slept on the long road home, but there was no sleep in me. As long as I live, I will never ever forget that long night.

Or the next day . . .

Kevin woke up in the morning with the stomach flu. He was so sick. Damon and Ora were driving home too and we decided to drive together since Ora was sick with it too. Bad timing!! To make it worse, we hit a blizzard just a few miles North of St. George. So the drive should've been 5 hours but it took us over 10. 10 hours of slippery roads, with cars spun off the road on both sides. Sick hubby. Sleep deprived. Not just one but 2 of my babies having seizures behind me (Drew had 7 on that drive . . . the first ones I'd seen while he was awake). Choking on my tears the whole way home.

Waves of emotions kept coming the whole way. We almost didn't have another baby because of Halle's intense ordeal, since the only "reason" we had for her epilepsy is genetics. (Kevin's sister, Stacy also started having seizures at the age of 3 and struggled controlling them for 14 years) We waited well passed the age of Halle & Stacy's seizures start of epilepsy, and Drew flew through the years without a single sign of anything.

Why now? Why both?

I fell apart over and over thinking that if Drew's had started earlier we wouldn't have had our Dawson . . . my little sunshine.

WHY ALL of my babies? WHY, WHY, WHY?? What am I doing wrong?!? Could I have made this happen . . . ???

We pulled into Provo at almost 11 PM. Everything was buried in snow. If I can't get in my garage tonight, I will officially lose my mind, I thought. I didn't even want to look and see how much snow we'd have to shovel. We got closer, and there it was. HOME- with a perfectly shoveled driveway and walkway up to the door. One of my sweet angel neighbors had done that for us. Words can not tell you how heavy my heart was that night and how much it meant that someone had done that for us, unaware of what was going on and all.

Heavenly Father was aware. We'll be ok. I cried again.

I took Drew the next day to the doctor, exactly a week after I'd been there with Dawson. I told Dr. Mower I felt like he must think I was nuts, like one of those mothers who makes up stuff for attention. We tried to brainstorm anything that could've started BOTH boys' seizures. He got Drew's name added to the Fast Track list for Primary Children's hospital (PCMC). I (again) held down my boy for blood work. He was so brave. I told him if he counted to 25 it would be all over. He cried/screamed/counted to 25 and broke my heart.

Not my Drew too. Please.

The next week was intense for us all. Trying to get in PCMC (who lost our names on the waiting list- TWICE!?) was so frustrating. Counting seizures every day, all day. Drew usually having more than 10 and +triple that at night. Dawson still about 5 a day, +triple that at night also. Most nights I slept with the boys. Not because it helped or anything, but because I didn't want to be away from them. People told me I need to get my sleep . . . but what mom can sleep better just hearing the seizure and doing nothing?

Not this mom.

We FINALLY got the appointment scheduled at PCMC for Tuesday, December 7th. I tried to not go nuts waiting for Tuesday.

I chatted with my Aunt Jana who lives a few minutes from PCMC before going. I thought maybe if we had to kill some time between tests maybe we could visit rather than sitting in waiting rooms. Before she knew any of this was going on at all she said, "Oh, sweetheart, do you need anything? Because we're ready for you if you do. I had the feeling that I needed to get our guest room ready. So I washed the linens and the baby crib is ready and everything. Do you need to come by?"

Heavenly Father was aware.

Tuesday finally came and I took my sister Ora with me for the extra hands and support. We left at 6 AM and got there just in time for Drew's first test; the Echo cardiogram.

Perfect heart results.

Next was Dawon's appointment with the neurologist. Then Drew's. We watched the video of seizures I had caught on our camera, but we didn't really need to. Drew had one right in front of the doctor. A bittersweet blessing that they were happening often enought to be able to see them first hand.

EEG's were next. Dawson's was first and he had 2 seizures when he was hooked up (another blessing) so they were able to confirm that they WERE seizures and tell us they were coming from the left side of his brain. (Halle's came from her right side). Drew had 2 seizures while he was awake, fell asleep and had 4 more. His also showed seizures coming from the LEFT side of his brain.

MRI's were the next day. They both had to be sedated. Having two kids there was tricky. I was holding Dawson for his IV while they wanted to start Drew's IV. "Wait for me, I have to be there for him." But then while holding my Drew (as he screamed but was soooo brave again counting/screaming to 25 as they tried several times to get his IV in) they wanted to started Dawson's sedation. Again, "Wait, I have to be there" and etc.

Around 5 PM when the boys were waking I had a melt down. Total. I got a message on my phone from our dentist. Halle had an appointment earlier that day that a friend had taken her to for me. "I'm sure you've got the treatment plan by now. For the pulpotomy and broken filling, your portion will be 14 hundred dollars . . ." I was bouncing a cranky baby and trying to wake up Drew (who WOULD NOT WAKE UP) when I got the message. Not one of my best moments, I tell ya. The emotional and physical stress of the last couple of days/weeks . . . that message put me over the edge. A nurse came in to check on me. "Oh honey! You need some help!" and thank goodness she noticed. She helped take Dawson and got another nurse to help Drew stay awake. All I can say is I'm pretty proud that we got through those days. Yay. And, thankfully, in all the chaos, I heard the message wrong. Our portion was $14, not $1400. (Relief!) See what happens when a mom doesn't get her sleep? Starts hearing all sorts of things. Lol.

I have to say that the hardest part of our days at PCMC though was going home. I had talked myself through the days saying We'll just get to Tuesday when we can get help from the Doctor . . . Going back home to "normal" which was so far from normal, with nothing changed was super overwhelming and hard. Super duper hard. No answers, just "See you in 3 months. Choose from these medications and decide which side effects you are more comfortable with, call if you need anything."

Ouch.

I felt (feel) very unqualified to handle the day to day situations with the boys. I didn't want to be admitted for days and days either . . . I just wanted to feel like I was going home better prepared and ready for what was coming. Didn't happen.

Results came from MRI showed both boys having normal results. No tumors, lesions, etc. Awesome.

The only hard part that came with this news is knowing that with all the normal test results (blood work, echo, MRI's . . .) there are no answers. When you don't know what is wrong, it's hard to know what to fix. So as happy as we are about them, it is hard anyway.

Bleh.

So here we are. Kevin's swamped with finals and hardly ever here, which is killing him wanting to be here for us. I worry about him so bad. He's living on hardly any sleep and no breaks. He's tough but he's gonna break at some point. I'm trying to feel the Christmas spirit, if only for the kids. And trying to not worry about the future for all 3 of them. Trying.

Basically, we are mainly trying to maintain normal for them here as best as we can. There are tough moments but we get through them. My friend, Vyki used to live by the saying, "I CAN DO HARD THINGS." I saw it written on a tile by her bed as she was dying. If I ever saw a human being pushing through and doing the hard things, and doing them well, it was Vyki. I'm trying to remember.

I CAN DO HARD THINGS.

Drew's epilepsy is a rare kind. Gelastic epilepsy. Supposedly only 1 in 1,000 children with epilepsy will have this kind, and only a few new cases in the country per year. He stops what he is doing, holds his hands in fists (sometimes he might clap or slap his legs over and over), his left eye twitches, and he "laughs" for aprox 60 seconds. It isn't his normal laugh, and I can tell in his face that he isn't being funny. Lately he is having a cluster of 3-8 of these seizures within a few minutes of each other, and then he'll have a break for an hour or maybe two. He is normal in between the episodes. He is completely conscious and can semi communicate through them. He will hear if people laugh and him and can be very shy and embarrassed afterward. This continues day and night, though more frequently as he sleeps.

Depending on what he's doing when they come makes the biggest difference in how bad they are. In a crowd he'll be more embarrassed. If he's climbing things (he's ALWAYS climbing something) he can get hurt. So far he's only fell off the counter once. Another time he was holding Dawson and dropped him. The other day he was climbing on the stair railing and went into one. Halle called me in a panic as she was holding him from falling off. Another time we were coming out of Target and I noticed Drew was gone. I looked around and found him frozen in the cross walk, hand in the air, "laughing", and unable to coordinate himself to get out of the way of all the cars. Another night he threw up in a seizure - unable to control his body so it came through his nose and everything. What an oxymoron to puke and "laugh" through the whole thing!! For him to be totally aware, it was awful. I can't imagine how that would feel.

We continue to have more of these types of things every day. Today's adventures: Drew was putting away the silverware for me and happened to be holding a sharp knife as one started. He repeatedly jammed the knife (I got it away from him pretty quickly before he got hurt) into his pants, "laughing" and watching himself without being able to stop. Then tonight we went out to eat, Drew accidentally rammed his nose into Kevin during one and got a bloody nose.

AHHH!

One of the hard things about these Gelastic seizures is how badly they put me on edge all day. Anytime Drew (or even Halle) laughs I automatically think "seizure." I hope it doesn't take too long to be able to enjoy my kids' laughter again.

As Drew fell asleep just a few minutes ago, one woke him up and he was mumbling/laughing. Then he called out/still seizing . . . "Mom . . . Mom . . . I . . . need . . . to . . . tell . . . you . . . I . . . need to . . . tell . . . you . . . I . . . love . . . you . . . so . . . much."

Dawson's have remained about the same from the first one I saw. Often falls over, mild shaking, stiffening on one side, going limp on the other, makes a crazy face, eyes roll around slightly, lasts around 30 seconds. I am not sure how conscious he is, but he smiled at me once in the middle of it, so that makes me think he's at least partially there. After each seizure he will lose the muscle tone in his neck for about 2-3 minutes. So his head will drop, he'll pick it up, drop, pickup, drop, drop, drop, drop . . . This is the hardest part for me to watch. A few nights ago the "head drop" went on for over 10 minutes and I was about to go to the ER. I. Do. Not. Like. It!!!

The other hard part of Dawson's seizures is it frequently wakes him in his sleep. So I feel like a mom with a newborn some nights, up every few minutes or so helping him get back to sleep. Randomly, he will have a normal night. I don't know what makes the difference. He is used to 12 hour nights, and then two naps throughout the day. So most days the naps aren't happening or are very short, and he has interrupted sleep in the night. Not so good - for either of us.

So many of the feelings I am having bring back the 2007 memories so fresh. I remember vividly the night I felt like Heavenly Father chose the wrong girl to hand this. It was 4 AM or so and I was lying in bed with Halle, feeling so unable to be what she needed in a mom. I didn't know how to make her better, I didn't know how to stop being sad . . . I knew I just wanted the best for my daughter and did NOT feel like that was me. Her personality and behavior was so different. I would stare at her and ache and ache, missing my innocent, fun baby girl. I knew she was still her, but my brain couldn't connect it. I felt so guilty for this. I was overwhelmed and wishing I could give up. Halle woke up out of a deep sleep and said, "Mommy? I picked you. Heavenly Father helped me, and I picked you." Then she turned over and went back to sleep.

If I hadn't been there and heard it myself, I wouldn't have believed it happened. I remember thinking, "Did she really just say that to me?" But I felt so much comfort from that. I still do.

Heavenly Father is aware. He understands my thoughts, my feelings, loves and helps me anyway. He hears me.

Tonight as I type and type my feelings it's hard to process all of this has happened in just barely over a month. For the first couple of weeks we didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't want it to be real and I wasn't ready to answer questions when I was in denial. Now, however, most people know and we are ready, even wanting to talk (sometimes). It helps knowing people care and it helps Drew so people can know how to react in a way that will make him worry as little as possible.

I would be surprised if anyone actually reads this far since it's so long (this is more for the record than anything) but if you do, please keep us . . . KEVIN, HALLE, the BOYS, and ME . . . in your prayers. We could ALL use them. We will get through this. We can do hard things. Kevin and I are beyond blessed to have our 3 amazing, strong, beautiful, wonderful angels.

Heavenly Father is aware.

The one about editing

2010-11-13T02:13:00.000-08:00

One thing I've learned about taking photos....editing is awesome.

See how everyone in this preschool picture is looking at the camera and smiling?

Well the reality of it is...

All but two heads were put in.

If I'm taking a group photo of kids, I will start on one kid and wait for the smile. . . ."Click."

Next face . . . wait for the smile . . . "Click". Etc.

Until I know I've got one smiling picture of each kid.

I love Faith Hill for putting up this photo about editing.

See the thinner arms, shiny skin, waist, under arm fat gone, hair and under eyes lightened, etc etc.
I was talking with my friend who I love soo much but she gets so discouraged reading blogs. People traveling, happy, living these beautiful exciting lives.

Comparing.

There's been times I have done the same thing. But then I remember-

There's always editing.

The one about Bailee's Baptism

2010-11-11T01:46:00.000-08:00

Halle and bff/cousin Bailee

My sweet neice Bailee was recently baptized.

Isn't she beautiful?

And I have to be a little proud here cuz I made her dress :)

Well, technically Ora found the original dress online but it was HUGE on her and looked totally different. Mondo sleeves and a simply horrifying pioneerish collar, etc. But the fabric was perfect. . . So I took scissors to it and remade it the whole thing. I'm flattered that Ora trusted me to just start cutting - especailly without a pattern. It was scary! I sewed that entire little shrug by hand to get it just right. So happy with how it turned out. It fit her perfectly.

Don't ya love the hair peice that Ora made? So perfect.

CONGRATS BAILEE BOB ON YOUR SPECAIL DAY!!

SO PROUD OF YOU.

LOVE YOU LOTS!!

The one to drool over

2010-11-10T01:59:00.000-08:00

Amazing-Home-Made-Giant Eclairs

1 c water

1/2 c butter

1 c flour

4 large eggs

1. Preheat 400

2. Heat water and butter to a boil in saucepan. Stir in flour, reduce heat to low. Stir briskly over low heat about 1 min or until mixture forms a ball, remove from heat.

3. Beat in eggs until smooth. Drop by apox 1/4 cupfuls about 3 inches apart onto ungreased cookie sheet.

4. Back 35-40 minutes or until puffed and gold. Cool about 30 mins. Cut off top third of each puff, pull out any strands of soft dough.

5. Fill puffs with Cream Filling (recipe below) and replace the tops.

6. I like to top with that shell hardening-toffee-chocolate sauce.

7. Cover and refrigerate until serving. Store leftovers in the refrigerator.

Cream Filling

1/3 c sugar

2 T cornstarch

1/8 t salt

2 c milk

2 egg yolks, beaten

2 T butter

2 t vanilla

Mix sugar, cornstarch and salt in saucepan. Gradually stir in milk. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture thickens and boils. Boil and stir 1 minute. Gradually stir at least half of the hot mixture into egg yolks, then stir back into hot mixture in saucepan. Boil and stir one minute, remove from heat. Stir in butter and vanilla. Pour into bowl. Press plastic wrap on filling to prevent a tough layer from forming on top. Refrigerate at last 1 hour until cool.

The one with a distraction

2010-11-04T10:02:00.000-07:00

Dawson and I are feeling a little under the weather this morning. So we're just chilling in our pj's & I'm shopping online for Christmas! (yay!)

I'm not getting much done though. I wonder why???

He's decided this morning that crawling is AMAZING. He could barely inch around yesterday... today he's on the move.

Watch out, everbody!

And this has nothing to do with anything, but as I was looking around on my laptop I found these old pics. I took preschool portraits of this little girl a few years ago...

Is it just me or does she look a lot like the girl "Lucy" in Narnia?

The one about Halloween 2010

2010-11-04T01:04:00.000-07:00

For Halloween this year. . .

Halle was Cleopatra

Drew was an army man

And Dawson was a biker.

My fave accessory being that tattoo. :)

Though the collar was a close second.

Check out the gigantor-pumpkins Kev grew in the garden

and the pumpkins we carved

The kids got a big thrill out of our dropping spider. Honestly, it freaks me out. Doesn't matter how many times it drops on my head... yikes!

The kids went trick or treating

while Dawson enjoyed his version of it indoors

And for the grand finale of the night, Drew took on a giant-dueling-something-or-ever.

With gusto.

I am so lucky to be your mom Halls, Drewbie & Daws. Love you guys.

The one with 2010-11 school pictures

2010-11-01T00:55:00.000-07:00

I don't think I EVER had a good school picture taken. Ugh!! Year after year I could barely get myself to look at them without wincing.

So, she def didn't get her photogenic skills from me.

BEAUTIFUL!

First Grade

2010-2011

The one for this weekend

2010-10-29T12:07:00.000-07:00

Happy

Halloween!!

The one about Dawson's blessing day

2010-10-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

So many of our family's significant events go unblogged. Yet there are a few worth going back and mentioning.

DAWSON'S BLESSING DAY

Dr. F was blessed the last Sunday in May. It was a wonderful day. Before church Kev, Halle, Drewbie and I dressed our little guy in his blessing suit. We all ooed and awwwed over his sweetness. He wore a very specail outfit given him by "Grandma Vyki" who had passed away only a few days before.

It was bittersweet to think that had she been alive, she would've been too sick to come. Yet with her on the other side, she was probably able to be there with us.

He was sooo sweet and handsome that day.

Blessed by his Daddy :)

After the blessing we met with family and friends for a potluck lunch at the church's pavillion. I intentionally made sure not to plan anything at our house and kept everything simple so it was a stress-free and memorable day for us. Should have done the same thing with the other kids' blessings. It was awesome.

Today (five months later) I finally found some time to take pictures in his suit. He doesn't look the same as he did but that's ok. Better late than never. Besides he is definatley just as sweet and handsome as ever.

Here are some of my faves:

Love his turtle smile sooo much!

The one about Dawson's many mini photo shoots

2010-10-22T23:59:00.000-07:00

I wrote most of this post back in May but never finished uploading the pictures until tonight. Life is crazy having three kids, I tell ya. I am ignoring all the other things I could (and probably should) be doing. Blogging and going through old photos sounds much more fun. Besides, I deserve a break, right?

Btw, I love these pictures so much now. He was so tiny... I can still remember how he smelled when I see these. Mmmmmm. I love my babies.

- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I have been taking pictures of newborns for several years now, and they are my FAVORITE to photograph. Ever since I got pregnant, I've been soooooo excited to take MY baby's pictures. I thought I'd really be able to go to town.

So, I set up the photography equipment in my living room when Dawson was less than a week old. However, crazy-hectic day after day went by and I literally didn't have ONE spare moment to do a photo shoot :( (We were feeding/pumping/taking back to the doctors...around the clock. Plus all the usual mom stuff) It was soo so so frustrating, to have my own beautiful baby but no time to capture his sweetness on camera- the way I have for so many other babies.

Three weeks went by & I still hadn't found a minute. I was so depressed about it. I felt desperate about the precious newborn-time that was flying on by, unrecorded. I decided to keep my camera nearby and start taking a photo here, a photo there, whenever/wherever we were . . .

I never did fit in a full photo shoot so the pics are not what I had in mind, but they are still beautiful and I'm grateful for what I got. And (yay!) I finally got my photography equipment out of our living room. . . after a month of tripping over chords, backdrops and trying to keep the other two other little monkeys from destroying it all.

In a way, it's kinda cool because each picture has a memory that will remind me of what was going on in those crazy weeks after Dr. F came.

For example:

The next two pictures were taken at 2 am. I will remember that Kev had just got back from work and I REEALLY wanted a pic with his hands in them. I waited and waited for him to come home that night, holding Dawson who was undressed ready for pictures, keeping him warm in his fuzzy blankie. Kev sat at the kitchen table, half asleep as I shot as quick as I could so we could get to bed. We were so beyond exhausted- I was near tears. Call me crazy, but these pictures are/were a big deal to me. They were worth it.

This was taken one morning when Kev was running late to work but I asked him to stand by for a minute while I put Dawson on a shelf. Kevin's nearby-protective hands are edited out of the photo. In the rush, I didn't have time to dust the shelf and it just felt wrong putting him on that dirty thing. As soon as Kev was out the door Drew and I gave him a bath.

The few with me in it were shot by my sister in law Tiffany when she came by to visit one day. I had a total breakdown while she was there, lots of Post Partom hormones that only new moms can understand. (How embarrassing!) Thanks so much, Tiffy! For taking the pics, and for being there when I lost it. It meant so much to me.

That same day Tiff tried to help me take pics of Dawson on this scale. However, he immediatly pooped all over her and then we got the giggles, so none of those pictures worked. This one was taken a couple weeks later... the last (and one of the only pics) shot with the black backdrop that was left out for nearly a month.

After the pic was shot, I pushed down on the scale until it read 7 lb 11 oz (his birth weight), and then edited that into the picture. Daws struggled gaining weight for the first 6 weeks or so, and this original picture read just over 6 lbs.

This next one of all 3 kids is actually 3 separate pics, edited into one. Don't look too closely! ;) I assure you there never was a moment that was as peaceful and easy-going as this pic makes them look :) Gotta love editing. It was a really late night and everyone was ornery...especially Drew. You'd never know it, look at those innocent eyes :P

This was on our kitchen floor and he is in a wooden kitchen bowl that used to be my mom's. The whole house was a DISASTER. Halle had a couple of friends over who were all ooing and awwing over him, who were so amazed that he was small enough to fit in that bowl. The rest were taken on my bed. My black blanket as a background. Standing on the bed, right over him, I held my camera in one hand and my table lamp in the other (for a filler light). I'm sure I was quite the picture myself. lol.

Anywho, this post I am sure is boring to everyone else, so I'm just writing this for me. I think I'll wanna remember what was going on behind the scenes. I didn't have time to write in my journal or anything... and this kinda makes up for it to me. Sorta sums up the craziness. Or starts to anyway.

The one for Ronald M

2010-10-15T08:07:00.000-07:00

Kevs goes to work, school and studies 7-ish AM to 1 AM (often more) every weekday and 8-5 every Saturday. I miss having him around all week terribly. So every Saturday at 5 we go on a date.

"See ya Saturday at 5,"

we always say.

We decided a few weeks ago to try to get a picture of each date we go on. (Wish we would have started this eight years ago.) There are a bazillion pics of the kids, but only a handful of the two of us. Sadness!

On our date last Saturday while we were waiting to be seated at Texas Roadhouse, we decided to try to find a pair of shoes for Kev. Do ya think it was time?

The bottom of his shoe was attached for one step and unattached the next. Awesome! :)

We went over to the shoe section at Ross where we found the most

GINORMOUSEST

pair of shoes I have ever seen in my life. I can not even imagine a human foot being that massive. Of course it struck me as suuuper funny. In my worn-out-ness everything is super funny by Saturday at 5...lol. (Poor Kevin)

It's hard to really tell how big they are from this pic. To put it in perspective, the shoes next to them (the ones that look like like they could be Drew's) are Men's Size 12!

We should have bought them. It would have made such a great white elephant gift, don'tcha think?

I didn't need to untie the laces to put these on - even while wearing boots! And these were two sizes smaller than the red ones. Check out the size chart I'm standing on. I'm sure you had to be there to be as enthralled as I was, (or maybe not even then haha) but it was awesome. :)

Awesome because we don't need some fancy plans to have a great time together. Something as simple as picking out a new pair of shoes can be a total blast. So glad I married my best friend.

Love our Saturdays at 5.

The one with a VIP

2010-10-05T08:49:00.000-07:00

We got to put together a presentation about Drew for his VIP day at preschool.

I put together a slideshow of pics to show his class. Most of the pics are already on this blog at some point, but there were a few from my PRE BLOGGER days that I just have to share. They are just too great not to.

Like these ones that show his amazing intensity. Sooo fun!

Drew's first look at a girraffe - 2007

Drew sees Santa coming on a firetruck ... double pleasure, double the fun - 2005

Drew loves his new chair - 2004

Or these with him helping Kev mow the lawn. He's always loved helping his Dad.

2007

So many fun memories. . .

Such a boy - 2007

Got into a box of food coloring (while sitting in a basket of clean laundry p.s.)- 2007

Love his handsome face - 2006

Thank goodness for photography. I just love these pictures so much.

The rest are from a date Drew and I went on. We went to a park and I brought my telephoto lens, he brought his gun. We both did a lot of "shooting." (Like that pun? haha)

Short little legs

In his own little world

Sneaking up on unsuspecting victims

We didn't know those people at the park btw

Love that boy

2008

The one about Drew's 5th birthday

2010-09-28T23:58:00.000-07:00

I love that Drew.

I just can't believe that it's been five years since I first saw that handsome face.

Now here he is. 5 years old. It's all such a blur how that even happened.

His bday has been sooo crazy. It started out awesome. A few gifts this morning,

a fun VIP day at preschool (with bff Cache walking in with balloons as a suprise) . . .

and then things got crazy.

I started teaching piano and within five minutes Cache's little bro Cole was running naked down the street. This continued throughout the afternoon because A) he wouldn't keep his clothes/diaper on and B) he wouldn't stay in the yard. Keeping him inside was torture for him too! He cried and cried . . . Oh man.

Then Cache peed on Drew's bedroom floor. So I sent them all outside to the back yard and locked the gate to keep in Cole. Then they decided to have a tomato fight with hundreds (litterally) of the ripe tomatoes from my garden and then JUMPED & SMASHED them on the trampoline. :( Of course Drew was wearing a brand new outfit. Of COURSE HE WAS! AND OFCOURSE THIS ALL HAPPENED WHILE I WAS TEACHING!!!

And that's just the start of it.

After a few tears and almost losing my mind, I had a friend help me get Cache & Cole home. I felt awful cuz I was so worn out and we hadn't even made dinner by 8. I had originally had all these fun plans for the evening. . . hadn't done ANY of them. Ugh. And you know how if the Mom's not happy, aint noboday happy? Well that makes it kinda sucky for an exhausted mom trying to pull together a specail day. :(

So I bagged the idea of keeping the house clean.

(P.S. This takes a LOT OF EFFORT for someone with OCD!)

Bagged the idea of bed time being 8:30 on a school night.

Bagged pretty much all my other parenting ideas and started over.

I breathed in and out for a minute while Halle read stories to calm my screaming baby.

We made pizzas from Drew's new miniature pizza set at 9PM.

Had cake at 10:30 PM.

Goofed around until 11:45 PM.

Carried the sleepy kids up to bed a minute ago.

And now, I sit here in the biggest mess you've ever seen. Dishes, toys, pizza sauce pineapple and cheese spills, wrapping paper, sticky- fingered-walls, Dawson's spit up and tomatoe shoe prints in the carpet, a pee stain upstairs . . . and what am I doing?

Cleaning?

NOPE. Blogging.

But I lived. And I think (hope) he had a good birthday.

Happy Birthday, my sweet Drew.

Love you more than you'll ever know,

Mom